I always get a funny feeling when I walk back into the John Radcliffe hospital now. I find myself crossing my arms and scowling.
I feel safe there but uncomfortable.
I don’t want anyone to operate on me again and yet I fully trust all the staff and the plastic surgery department.
Anyway, it was nice to see God (Mr.Coleman) again. I felt almost proud of myself. I wanted to somehow show off to him and say “Look, haven’t I done well?? Aren’t my tummy and boobs great?”. I pushed my skirt down a bit so he could see the incredible scar that runs from hip to hip. Already it is fading and now I just have a pink thread-like line running right across my bikini line and hips. I knew that there were a few stitches that he needed to remove as they were poking out and were really spiky against my clothes but he did this and then sat back and admired his surgery.
I then took off my top so he could look at the scars around my boobs. Again there were two stitches that he needed to remove but my boobs are completely numb so I didn’t feel a thing. One of the stitches gave me the heeby-jeebies though….it was on my left boob and it was obviously there to make sure the circular tummy skin remained attached to my breast skin (basically where my nipple was). God carefully got hold of the end of the stitch and to my horror pulled out about 15cm of nylon that was inside my boob. I was slightly concerned that the whole disc would then full off and the contents of my boob sort of slither and slip out onto the floor but unsurprisingly this didn’t happen! The circular scars around my boobs are all healing nicely and in some places they are literally invisible.
Both my boobs are around a DD-cup but with a critical eye they are slightly wide and sort of bulge out at the side abit (this is only noticeable if you really try and measure them, at a glance they are fine). God explained how we are now going to wait till November to see whether they drop a bit and whether this shape alters when the final bit of swelling goes down. I don’t think I am going to need lipo-filling or anything though – if we want to be supercritical he may alter the shape slightly when he creates the nipple but at the moment we need to wait a further 3 months to let nature reorganise itself a bit. My boobs feel very soft and natural though and I think everyone is delighted with the result.
Emotionally I feel stable and content. Last night I went out for a beer with an old school friend who I haven’t seen for a couple of years. It felt surreal describing from start to finish what has happened since November but I also felt proud.
So that’s it really! I will write again following my appointment in November and then describe the procedure needed in order to create nipples and the final tattoeing that will eventually take place. I do not want to bore you with waffle about my everyday life and want to keep this blog very specific to my experience as a BRCA carrier.
I have binned most of my old underwear (off-white pants that I think I must have owned since primary school and beige bras that I honestly did mean to wash by hand but that somehow snuck their way into the washing machine every week and now are unrecogniseable). I now only wear matching brightly coloured underwear - something I think all women should do as it makes you feel a million dollars no matter what you are wearing. And I can tell you I am almost completely healed and I am happy.
Life is good.